Where am I? Trying to get nowhere fast. Drifting and wandering whether drifting's the best thing to do. Or should I flap my arms rapidly and make elongated snow angels? Or would that be too painful?
I just want to chill and relax, to feel at one with myself. But I feel so aggressive, so angry. And I can't settle, can't concentrate. Too edgy. Too upset. Too fucked. Too much. If only. No. If only. I just. I need. I must. I will. Positive assertions, maybe that's what I need.
I need to be doing something. I need to be focused. I need to concentrate back on my writing. Get rid of the concentrate and get the real juices flowing. I can't let this distract me. It's one thing throwing myself back into the front line. I know I can do this. But it's picking up the threads of the rest of my life that's important I've dropped several stiches and haven't taken the time to pick them up, and the small originating hole has unravelled half of the jumper.
Dancing, singing, music, laughing, my beautiful boy. These are all important and must be celebrated. All the things that make my life fucking pleasurable. Friends and family. I musn't lose sight of what is important and immerse myself in an abyss of anger and pain. I musn't feel that isolation.
Except I can't write about what happened. Not yet. There's a lot of work to be done before I can tell the story. Fragmentary pieces are all that stumble onto the page; words which are nothing more than miscellanious jigsaw pieces found under sofa cushoins.
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5 comments:
Hey hon,
I hope you're feeling better? It is difficult after you finish a course where your life is more structured, to go back to life without routine. It takes time to re adjust I think. I had a bit of a wobbly weekend, and a few friends did too, and then I discovered it was a full moon on Tuesday, which I beleive has a strong effect on my moods, and maybe it does for others too.
Thinkin of you. Hang in there.
lots love
Jacqui xxxxxx
Half the battle is awareness; you appear to be acutely aware, so you're half-way to peace and healing! xOx
hang in there
you're an inspiration to me
x
"It's the small stitches - that's where real strength and beauty are to be found..."
xxx
Maybe you can't quite write about what happened yet, but it's really good to see that you're writing something. And I really like the way you write about it.
Anyway, about that breakdown you had scheduled for September: sorry, chance missed now. You'll just have to be alright. I mean, I did ask, and they're not accepting breakdowns for another year, at the very least. Or even depression, for that matter. Everything's booked up. Some kind of equal opporunities quota system, apparently. All sounded very complicated. Madness gone politically correct, if you ask me.
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