Random thoughts

Ok - well this is the random thoughts part of this blog. I'm just going to type this straight into the computer. I have several pages of writing in my notebook which I will try and type up at some point.

That'll learn me for trusting fucking technology. I have a magnetic vice when it comes to laptops and an uncanny ability to delete everything I've written in a instant without going anywhere near a delete key.

There wasn't that much to what I had to say. The basics of it were that I'm worried about what I'll be charged with from the last demo, that I think they want to charge me with organising but I live in Cornwall and am no longer involved in organising anything and what counts as organistion anyway??? But I'm working against their belief in hierarchy, that I'm near the top of the heirarchy even though we don't have one and don't want one.

And I found out yesterady that a 17 year old with no convictions and who pleaded guilty has had her sentencing delayed for reports and the judge is considering community service. This doesn't bode well for people like me who are practically shitting convictions.

Hopefully I'll find out in December. Hopefully then, I'll have something quantifiable. Either I'll be charged with something or everything be dropped. Although, the cops being the slack bastards that they are, they probably won't be ready to proceed and will extend our bail.

Freewriting to "Progidy"

I'm back in the past. Back in the days of drug fuelled nights, back to the jittery years. I feel on uncertain ground. Those days seem so clear but they are also a bit of a blur.

Chewing our faces with nashing jaws, being unable to control the rushes as the music and dancing peaked. Good, good feelings. Fellings of innocence and love, of total compassion. Feelings of being in the right place at the right time. Feeling like I was living in a dream, although in retrospect, what a fucking dream.

It seems so alien now. I can't imagine ever doing all that now. And it's not just because of Jack, it's because of my mental health and I know how fucked up Class As would make me now.

Class As, I like that. Top of the class. A gold star for effort. Or a little white pill will do. Predominately they were little white pills. The quality was declining and I remember being concerned at the pills speckled with brown. Not concerned enough to not thake them. I don't think I've ever turned down a pill. But then I was monster, a proper pill monster, always searching for the next, higher hit. Searching until it got to 6am and I was blacking out and falling to the floor.

Never mind, nothing a spliff and a cup of tea won't sort out.

Cornish Air

The air today is the Cornish air I remember from my youth. A soft but blustering blowing. It takes me back to melanchony teenage walks on costal path starring out to the bright grey sea.

Today I release the clip and let my bright red hair blow freely around my head. I feel like a romantacised Victorian giving myself freedom for the first time as I let my long locks flow. The sea gives a sense of freedom that is beyond compare.

I feel occasional drops of water and I can't work out whether it's beginning to rain or whether it's salt spray. I lick my lips but they are already too salty from the sweat of my walk for me to tell.

The sea's choppy but not overtly so. It moves quickly and the waves are forming a long way out. I live so close to the sea but forget to visit it regularly. It's like being a spoilt child, taking wonders for granted. I forget the carthtic effect that watching the waves has and I vow to come more often although I know I probably won't.

Blogging

I'm supposed to keep a blog. I've always stayed clear of blogs mainly to do with paranoia: I'm edgy about anything that the cops can read especially since they seized my personal diaries a few years ago.

We've also been told that we will be assessed on our blogs, that we can write whatever we want and it's more about proving that we're writing regularly but I find it hard to get rid of the voice in my head telling me this is going to be assessed. I guess, it's like being on Big Brother and waiting for the moment when you forget agout the cameras.

I have called this blog "random thoughts, refelctions and fiction" which covers everything really. I've had lots of ideas about what this blog is going to be about but haven't been able to decide anything so I'm leaving it vague for now and seeing what happens.

I've begun and perhaps this is enough for now and I'll see what comes later.