I have tasted a delicate piece of freedom. Yet my need for expression is not fulfilled. I watched the dancers and I wished I could join them. I wished I was still thin. More than anything, I wish I was still thin.Yet I know these insecurities dogged me when I was thin. Although I look back on these times through rose tinted glasses, it was a mess of depression and alcoholism. Paranoia and extreme stress.
I felt lucky tonight. Lucky to have been brought up musically, that I've been given the means to understand some deep subconscious link in music. It is not something I can recreate, although I wish I could. But I can in my mind - the singing of the instruments sends me off on a beautiful journey.There was something in the music tonight that I wanted to capture. I remember wishing I had brought my notebook with me, but thought it was anti social as I was going out with my Mum. I also berated myself for wanting to record an experience when I should have been experiencing the moment, swaying , caught in the wave of music.
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