Drunken ramblings

This should be my guilt free night, but I still feel guilty. There's always guilt when you're a parent, certainly if you're a mother.

It's 1am, seagulls squarking and the faint rumble of cars penetrate the silence. No snuffling presences upstairs. Just me. Alone. In my house. And I haven't spent a night alone in years and I can't quite work out whether I love it or hate it. All I know is it's going to be a regular experience. I've never lived alone. I've always had partners, and whilst there were obviously nights we spent apart, I don't remember ever feeling single.

And it's a weird kind of loneliness. Evidence of Jack is everywhere. I'm sitting here writing this wrapped up in his scoobie doo blanket, staring at the beautiful pictures he's made me at nursery. I hope he's okay and having a good night with Barbara. His little world is very confused at the moment. He'll be resillent. Kids re. But I'm sad; sad I' chipping away at his ideal, at his iage of a perfect world. Because however niave it is, I want my beautiful boy to have a perfect world. He doesn't deserve anything less.

But the world we've been giving him is far from ideal. And we need to be happy in order to create a happy environent in which to raise him.

And maybe part of y proble is I'm still clinging to my ideal, y perfect vision of a happy couple bringing up a happy, healthy kid. I'm clinging to the relationship we had four years ago, when we wanted to bring a child into this world.

I cannot imagine what my life would be like now if I hadn't had Jack. My honest suspicion is I would have done something big, inevitably been caught and would now be in prison. Whatever it would have been, I can't imagine I would have left London, let alone be on this course in Falmouth, sitting here writing this. I certainly wouldn't have had the scoobie doo blanket.

I feel a great distance from reality at the moment. It is the only way I can cope. I've been joking about how I've pencilled in my breakdown for mid September. I'll get through everything until after DSEi, and then I'll collapse. Hopefully I'll get that far and I'm pretty sure there'll be some major hiccups along the way.